How to fight perfectionism

Having high standards sounds like a good thing. After all, most of us want to become better humans. But being a perfectionist can be unhealthy.

In small amounts, perfectionism can help motivate us to persevere and achieve.¹ The trouble is, when perfectionism pushes us to aim for levels that are unrealistic, it can result in stress and mental health issues including anxiety², depression and possibly even suicide ideation³.

In the age of social media, increasing numbers of young people are experiencing the perfectionism of others and exhausting themselves trying to prove their worth.⁴ This often results in feelings of shame and guilt about their perceived inadequacies, and experts believe this may be one reason mental health issues are on the rise, particularly in younger people.

Psychologist Leanne Hall defines perfectionism as “setting extremely high standards (which are unrealistic) and putting pressure on yourself to meet those expectations and then being hard on yourself when you don’t”.

Underlying perfectionism is a fear that if you don’t achieve those standards, you’ll expose some inner weakness. The stress of avoiding this failure is what impacts on mental wellbeing.

“People who are perfectionists never reach their own standards because perfection does not exist,” Hall says.

Here are signs that may indicate perfectionism has become a problem:

• You have a harsh inner critic constantly telling you you’re not good enough.
• You don’t give yourself credit for successes and can’t enjoy what you’ve done because there are other things ahead you might fail at.
• You feel frustrated every time you fall short of perfection and have deep regret about things in the past that didn’t turn out perfectly.
• You tend to procrastinate to protect yourself from failure.
• You are highly critical of others and attempt to change their behaviour.
• You keep checking your work, searching for errors.
• You tend to focus on what people say about your efforts rather than on the efforts themselves (in other words, a desire for approval drives you).
• You are indecisive and find it difficult to make choices.
• You give up too soon and avoid activities if you believe you can’t do them perfectly.

Hall says that if your day-to-day life or your relationships are being adversely affected by perfectionist thinking, it’s a good idea to talk to a health professional.

“It may be that your anxiety is causing you to avoid situations, or you begin to withdraw from loved ones for fear they may negatively judge you or reject you for not being ‘perfect’,” she says.

Overcoming perfectionism is not easy, but there are ways to lessen its impact on your mental wellness.

• Challenge the desire to compare yourself to others. “This nearly always involves decluttering social media and letting go of those profiles or accounts that project perfection,” advises Hall.
• Practise being in the moment. “Be mindful of finding enjoyment in activities and people that are not perfect,” Hall says.
• Focus on your relationships. “Being vulnerable by allowing your imperfections to be seen by loved ones actually builds trust and connection,” Hall says.
• Practise self-compassion. This means embracing ourselves with warmth and tenderness and accepting that we are ‘good enough’.⁵ By practising self-compassion, you can overcome your fears of not getting tasks right the first time, stop avoiding and start doing. Forgive yourself for mistakes or failings and reward yourself for your progress (even if it’s small). Focusing on progress, not perfection, can help with overcoming perfectionism.