What is gaslighting?

You’ve probably heard of ‘gaslighting’. In fact, the term is so popular that it was named by Merriam-Webster dictionary as 2022 word of the year.

But the real meaning of gaslighting can be tricky to identify. Here, we look at what gaslighting is, plus how to get help if you or someone you know experience it.

The word gaslighting comes from the 1944 movie ‘Gaslight’, which centres around a husband who manipulates his wife into thinking she’s losing touch with reality.

In recent years, the term has entered the cultural mainstream as a way of describing psychological manipulation within personal relationships.

Fundamentally, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse with the end goal of making someone question themselves or erode their sense of self-trust.¹

“Gaslighting refers to acts of feeding false information to manipulate another person and make them doubt or question themselves, their perception, beliefs or memory,” says Emily Meates, Bupa’s Psychological Health and Safety Partner and Provisional Psychologist.

“This behaviour is often engaged in with the aim of gaining control or power over someone. It is a form of abusive behaviour that manipulates victims by causing confusion and undermining their confidence to believe that their perceptions, beliefs or memories have been misconstrued or imagined.”

Gaslighting can range from mild to severe. It can also be very subtle and, over time, erode an individual’s own judgment, sanity and confidence in themselves.

“Over a period of time, a victim may become more dependent on the abuser to validate the accuracy of their perceptions,” says Meates.

While it’s sometimes held that gaslighting only occurs in intimate and family relationships, it can occur in any area of life where a power dynamic is relevant.

“Research has indicated that gaslighting can and does occur in many different social environments, not only within intimate relationships,” says Meates.

This might include, for example, the workplace or when visiting a doctor. It can also happen to anyone, regardless of their gender.

“One common element that is usually present is a power imbalance between 2 people, with the goal of controlling a situation or person,” Meates adds. “This may be due to an entrenched hierarchy or stereotype associated with gender, class or sexuality.”

The reasoning behind gaslighting doesn’t have a straightforward answer. But at its core, Meates explains, it comes down to control.

“Individuals who gaslight typically have a deep need to control and have power over their victims,” she says.

Gaslighting is a toxic behaviour, and by tearing someone else down, the gaslighter can deflect blame while not addressing their own faults or wrongdoings.

According to Meates, there are 2 common drivers behind gaslighting behaviour.

“The first is parenting and upbringing in early life, where perpetrators have experienced gaslighting from their own parents and guardians,” she says. “They may learn this style of behaviour and apply it to their relationships later in life.”

“The second reason may be associated with certain personality disorders that include symptoms of a need for control and an inclination to manipulate others to meet one’s own needs.”

It’s important to note, Meates adds, that personality disorders can only be diagnosed by specific professionals following thorough assessment.

Because gaslighting can occur in many life situations, it can sometimes be tricky to identify, especially when the signs of emotional manipulation are subtle.

It could start with someone correcting your thinking, invalidating or dismissing your emotions or contradicting your statements.

This may continue to the point where you start questioning or doubting yourself, your emotions, your perceptions and even your memory.

According to Relationships Australia, gaslighting can happen in a variety of ways. Some examples of things that may be said in instances of gaslighting include:

• “You must be insane.”
• “What’s wrong with you?”
• “You really need help.”
• “Can you hear yourself?”
• “You know you have a terrible memory.”
• “I cannot believe you’re crying about this. You’re overreacting.”
• “You should be sorry for what you’ve done.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”²

If you repeatedly hear things like this from someone, you might be a victim of gaslighting and should immediately seek out help.

Gaslighting can have a devastating impact on its victims.

“They may experience self-doubt, confusion, emotional distress and symptoms of mental ill-health such as depression, anxiety and stress,” says Meates.

“Gaslighting harmfully reduces a person’s confidence in their own thoughts, perception of reality and even identity.”

“Socially, gaslighting can also lead to loneliness and isolation from crucial support networks including family and friends.”

Gaslighting can potentially have lifelong effects on a victim. According to Relationships Australia, this can include:

• constantly feeling guilty
• frequently apologising
• obsession or paranoia over one’s weaknesses
• feeling extremely indecisive and easily confused
• a lack of independence
• becoming isolated from friends and loved ones
• anxiety and paranoia.²

While it might be difficult, becoming aware of this type of psychological abuse is an important first step in addressing gaslighting.

If you suspect that you or a loved one are a victim of gaslighting, or if you’re not sure but increasingly feel like you’re losing self-confidence and your sense of self, it’s important to seek out support from someone you trust.

“This may be through your immediate social support network, as well as a qualified clinician, such as a psychologist or counsellor,” says Meates.

“Through these therapeutic processes, you will be supported to both better understand your own internal narrative and gain strategies to cope with the impacts of gaslighting.”

The National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service has a 24-hour counselling line at 1800RESPECT and also has resources on their website.

Relationships Australia offers advice and support online or you can call 1300 364 277.

Your GP may also provide support and connect you with specialised professionals.