Kath Ebbs: How to come out safely

[Kathleen Ebbs sits in front of a wall]

Kathleen: Hi, my name is Kathleen Ebbs. My pronouns are they/she. I am partnering today with Bupa to talk about coming out.

I would like to acknowledge the Wurundjeri people, the traditional custodians of this land in which this series is filmed, and I pay my respects to elders past, present and emerging. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land.

[Text on screen: How do I know if I’m queer?]

I think if you're thinking about whether or not you're queer, you very well could be.

We live in a very heteronormative, you know, cis centric world, so coming out can be this kind of like confusing thing because the messaging that you're constantly surrounded by and almost, like, gaslit into thinking is that ‘I am cis and straight,’ so anything outside of that can be confusing and hard to navigate.

I know for me personally, coming out was a journey, and I took on a lot of different identities, and went through a lot of different internal feelings, and you know landed on today I'm a very proud genderqueer lesbian, but I'm also open to that, kind of, changing and evolving because of the way society is constructed.

I don't think coming out or someone's queer journey is linear and straightforward. So I think, you know, if you think you are, you probably are. Just embrace that and let it evolve; it's exciting! You're on a journey and enjoy it, embrace it.

[Text on screen: Should I come out to my parents or guardian, and how should I do it?]

Coming out looks different to everyone. I think the biggest thing to consider when thinking about coming out is definitely risk assessment.

So whether it is safe or not for you to come out. Whether that be that the environment is not set up or that you don't have the proper support systems in place for when you do decide to do that.

So I think the first thing to always consider is whether it is safe or not for you to come out.

If it is safe you for you to come out, my biggest tip would be creating some sort of support system for yourself on that journey. Whether that be a trusted friend, peer, family member or maybe a support system. There’s many different beautiful organisations that can create those systems for you.

Once you have that, I think it helps alleviate the pressure in the coming out, if the person or people you are coming out to are not yet ready to hold space for you, you know you have a reliable source to go to in the meantime to hold space for what you're experiencing.

It's also always important to remember that there is no rush in coming out.

Whether you are out or not, it doesn't change your gender, sexuality… it doesn’t change your queerness at all.

So, take your time with it, and make sure you know you have the right support system around you. Don't rush it; it's your personal journey. You don't owe that to anyone else.

[Text on screen: I feel like if I come out people won’t take me seriously or think it’s just a phase. Is it better to keep quiet until I know for sure?]

I think in terms of people not taking you seriously or some gatekeeping that can go on within queerness, again firstly it’s important to assess risk.

So, whether it’s important not to be outwardly queer because of your safety.

But, if the only reason to you not coming out is that you think people won't take you seriously or that you're not queer enough, I say screw that and definitely come out.

There's no one way to be queer, and I think personally that is something that I still experience now as someone that is very comfortable in their sexuality and gender and has done a lot of work on myself.

I’m also a very active member of the queer community and even I go through times and have thoughts and feelings that ‘I’m not queer enough, I’m not allowed to take up space’.

But honestly that just comes from again living in a very heteronormative, cis centric world, where we are taught that there's only one way.

I think too society likes to put people in general into boxes and categories, and when you do come out, you might still be figuring out where you fit on that spectrum.

But as you’re figuring that out, there’s all this noise of people being like, you need to make a decision and stick to it, but you might not be ready to do that. You might never be ready.

I'm open to changing within my queerness because I know that it's a journey that will be forever, because of the world and the social constructs in which we live in.

So I would say if you're feeling the pressure or that you're not queer enough or you haven’t quite decided where you fit on the spectrum, or you’re worried that it is just a phase, screw that!

It's a journey. Enjoy it, and anyone that wants to gatekeep your queerness is probably just projecting their own insecurities onto you. So to that, we say ‘Tata’ and live your life.

[Text on screen: What happens if I change identities after coming out?]

I think we need to normalise changing identities after you come out. Especially, a lot of queer folk like myself come out during adulthood, and I feel like when you grow up without a language to how you're feeling, so instead you shape shift into what society tells you should be feeling and presenting like and identifying as.

And then you're introduced to queerness and people that have similar experience to you, and all these different, you know, words and languages and ways to identify, it's really exciting, but it can also be really confusing, and there is a lot of change that goes on.

Again, for me personally, I came out identified as bisexual, then pansexual, and now I'm a proud genderqueer lesbian.

That could change again. I'm open to that. I don’t know.

But I think if someone wants to put you in a box and make you stay there, and you feel pressured to do so, it's again just society’s constructs and heteronormative ways playing out, and that is the opposite of what queerness means and the exploration that occurs within our community.

So, I think it’s really important to normalise being able to change identities and it's also very okay to change your mind and change how you choose to identify the more you learn about yourself and the more you come into your queerness.

[Text on screen: What is the best way an ally can support the LGBTQAI+ community?]

The best way allies can support the LGBTQIA+ community is to listen, learn, and engage.

Whether that be on the internet or on your television screens or in your personal life.

Hearing our stories and hearing about the issues that affect us is really important.

I think too, as an ally, it's important to educate other people on the issues that surround our community and make sure that you're using your voice for good.

It's really important for allies to use their privilege in order to bring queer stories to the forefront. There's a lot of issues that affect queer people, and unfortunately, we live in a society that does not put our stories, our experiences, and our rights at the top of the list.

So, if allies can use their privilege in order to move, you know, that energy, the better it is for us.

So yeah, I think, allies, use your voice to help our community have a voice.

[Text on screen: Someone close to me has just come out, how can I support them?]

The best way to support someone that has just come out to you is by firstly just holding space for their experience, creating a safe space just by being there and listening and not projecting any of your own feelings or thoughts that might be coming up.

I think too, it's always important, just as like a general thing, just to like, love on that person. You know, I think we forget sometimes it's usually taken that individual a lot of steps to get to the point of coming out, so just honouring that moment and that milestone and just loving on that person is so, so important because it takes a lot of courage to come out and it's probably taken a lot of confusion and angst and feelings in order to get to that place.

I think something else I would say, was just like, would be love on that person and hold space for that person.

I think outside of that it would be, you know, educating yourself. There are so many resources now, on the internet, there's so many amazing activists online and creators that are doing amazing work in order to educate, you know, allies.

So yeah, maybe after that person comes out to you, taking some time out of your day to educate yourself on queer issues so then you're more well informed to help support that person and maybe help educate people around your circle so everyone can create this beautiful, safe space for that person that has just come out.