How to help children make friends

Whether it’s starting a new school or looking to share the swing at the park, making new friends can be a tricky experience for kids.

As much as you’d love to, as a parent you can’t guarantee friendships for your children.

But that doesn’t mean you need to sit on the sidelines. With the right tools, you can help make it a lot easier for them to form friendships on their own.

Here, we look at expert tips for helping your child navigate the sometimes-tricky terrain of forming and maintaining friendships.

“Friendships are a fundamental part of a child’s development, and contribute significantly to their emotional, social and cognitive growth,” says Bupa Psychologist Mason Gismondi.

“However, forming and maintaining friendships can be challenging for many children.”

While forming friendships might seem organic from a child’s perspective, there is often a lot of planning and consideration involved.

Many parents take an active role in creating opportunities for their children to interact (beyond the standard social settings like day care or school). This might include setting up play dates, encouraging neighbourhood games or organising after-school activities.

“This helps children connect with others who share similar interests,” says Gismondi, “which provides a natural environment for friendships to form.”

While creating these opportunities is important, Gismondi warns against pushing your child too hard.

“It’s important to know your child’s limits,” he says. “Not every child will be inclined to be socially active, and this is okay. Respecting their comfort zones and avoiding pressuring them will also help reduce any potential anxiety your child might feel.”

“Teaching your child essential social skills, such as active listening and empathy, can be crucial in helping them build confidence when it comes to interacting with others,” says Gismondi. “This can help them lay a strong foundation for healthy friendships to form.”

According to Gismondi, it’s also important to keep your own presence in mind. “Developing children are like sponges,” he says. “They will observe and absorb all that you do, and work to imitate this.”

“Role modelling positive social behaviours such as kindness and respect help your child internalise and demonstrate these qualities.”

Instead of praising a child for making friends, it can help to focus on the process.

“While praising an outcome may seem positive, it can have a negative effect long-term,” says Gismondi. “This can mean a child will measure success only by the outcome and may experience pressure and anxiety when that outcome isn’t achieved.”

“Instead, celebrate the process. Say something like, ‘I saw how you went up to Jane today, you did something really brave!’”

“Understanding our children’s emotions can be hard,” says Gismondi, “especially when they translate into big behaviours such as kicking, screaming, crying.”

Gismondi says that it’s important to acknowledge and validate these emotions, not ignore them. “As parents, we can normalise feeling nervous or worried about making friends.”

According to Gismondi, “it’s useful to have a few exercises to work through with your child that can support them in regulating their emotions.”

Breathing exercises and mindful movements are great techniques to help with this.

“Ask your child to lie down on their back and help them focus on each individual body part from their head to their toes,” says Gismondi. “Then ask if they feel anything such as tingling, tension, fluttering. This can help your child relax physically, which can in turn support emotional regulation.”