Friendships: The importance of healthy boundaries

As parents, we want our children to make friends and be happy in their friendship groups. But that doesn’t always come easily.

Educating our children on the importance of friends and boundaries, plus how to recognise a more ‘toxic’ pal, can help them create meaningful relationships both now and in the future.

Here, we look at the importance of building meaningful friendships with clearly defined boundaries, plus how children can avoid the wrong kind of friends.

“Childhood friendships offer a form of emotional anchor,” says Bupa Psychologist Mason Gismondi. “They are a way of supporting a child in navigating challenges [and] can provide your child with a safe outlet for emotional expression.”

Gismondi adds that these healthy friendships can enhance a child’s overall emotional health and maturity. Friendships in childhood are also shown to protect children against mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, and to help develop empathy and social skills.¹

“These skills are vital for building relationships. They’re also important for future success, as children become less dependent on their parents to help them navigate these areas.”

Boundaries are a necessary part of any healthy relationship as “they form the bedrock of respect and autonomy,” says Gismondi.

“Boundaries provide children with a space to acknowledge their needs and communicate them effectively, while simultaneously acknowledging and respecting the boundaries of their friend.”

Setting boundaries can help children:

• develop empathy
• build self-awareness
• avoid harmful behaviour
• improve their social skills
• learn to advocate for themselves
• form and maintain healthy relationships.²

“Boundaries also support conflict resolution,” says Gismondi. So, once established, they may be used to manage and avoid any potentially toxic relationships.

“Children will disagree about things. Friendships with established boundaries support children in reaching quick resolutions, helping the friendship itself be more resilient.”

If your child finds themselves in the midst of regular unhealthy friendships, it’s important to help them learn how to recognise this.

“Signs include guilt-tripping (a form of manipulation), exclusion, hot and cold behaviour, frequent criticism (leading to potential insecurities), overly competitive behaviours and spreading rumours,” says Gismondi.

“It’s important to support your child in establishing boundaries and open communication. Friendship is a two-way street.”

According to Gismondi, it can helpful to break down friendships into positive and negative ‘zones’. These include:

When children are in the ‘red zone,’ they’re no longer able to control their emotions.

“This can result in conflict and, sometimes, behaviour that might be detrimental to a friendship.”

Friendships that regularly dip into the red zone might appear draining and unpredictable. One minute your child might be best friends with someone, only to discover the next minute that that ‘friend’ has excluded them from an activity.

The green zone refers to a healthy, positive state of interaction and connection. It makes children feel safe, respected and valued by their friends. It also means that when there is an unhealthy friendship moment, disagreements can be addressed in a healthy and respectful manner.

“When children are in this zone, they have a greater capacity to listen to others, understand feelings and communicate their own feelings in a way that’s easily understood,” says Gismondi.

Parents should remind children that they deserve to have friends in the green zone. “It’s important for kids to recognise the signs of a healthy friendship and one that’s not,” says Gismondi. “This will help them bring out the best in themselves and their friends.”