6 ways to share the mental load at home

The parenting juggle is real, but it’s more than just the physical jobs of laundry, shopping and ferrying kids to sports and other activities.

The often-invisible acts of thinking, planning, anticipating and organising can feel overwhelming and exhausting as a parent.

It’s called the ‘mental load’, and it might sound a bit like this on repeat:

• When was her last nap?
• Did I feed on the left or right boob last time?
• Don’t forget to look for a peanut butter alternative for childcare lunches.
• Remember to cut the grapes, they’re a choking hazard!
• Have I booked in for that vaccine?
• What’s that rash from?
• Am I overreacting? Am I underreacting?
• Do other kids do this? Is it normal?
• How is it book week again? What’s a good costume?
• What can I cook that everyone will eat?
• Don’t forget to buy a present before the kids party this afternoon.

Perhaps better explained as the ‘project management’ of family life, the mental load is disproportionally carried by mothers.

In fact, research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies found that, in more than three-quarters of opposite-sex couple families, mothers ‘usually’ or ‘always’ carry the mental load.¹

Lead researcher Dr Jennifer Baxter says that mothers have described the mental load as being “emotionally exhausting and time consuming” and “like a part-time job in itself”.

“Exhausting, frustrating and time consuming are the kind of the sentiments,” says Dr Baxter.

The most dissatisfied, Dr Baxter adds, are the mums who are doing a similar amount of paid work as their partner but still doing more of the caring and housework plus carrying of the mental load.

“That’s where you see all sorts of strains. Not just on people reporting about mental health and exhaustion, but also relationship strain.”

So, how can you better share the mental load?

Having an honest and open conversation with your partner is an important place to start. Do they understand what the mental load is and how it impacts you?

“Talk about the practical things around the mental load like meals, children's education and dental appointments,” says Dr Baxter. “Using examples might help to raise awareness rather than talking about feeling the mental load, which might be hard for someone to understand if they’re not feeling it for themselves.”

You might ask your partner questions like, ‘Are we happy with how things are shared in our house?’ or ‘Are we doing things the best way that we can that support each other?’

“It really comes down to communication,” says Dr Baxter, “respecting each other and listening to each other around what the issues are, especially for the person who is taking on too much of the mental load.”

Don’t wait until you’re burned out, frustrated or in the middle of cooking dinner to talk about how you’re feeling. Find a time to sit down together to discuss how the mental load affects you and how, as a family, you can work together to share the invisible labour.

Importantly, it’s not one conversation. Make sure you continue to check in and see how the other person is feeling.

Simple acknowledgement and recognition of the mental load is an important step towards change.

“In some families, building the awareness may be enough,” says Dr Baxter. “So that job might stay with one person, but having that role appreciated as something they bring to the family might help to ease some of the angst and dissatisfaction around it.

“When it’s invisible, there’s no real appreciation or thanks for what is being done or how it helps the family.”

Just as you would divide physical household responsibilities (like cooking and cleaning), consider where you could divide the planning and thinking work, too.

Factor in each person’s strengths, interests and capacity, and identify areas where support is needed.

For example, one person could take responsibility for staying on top of dental appointments, vaccines and health checks, while the other might organise kids’ birthday presents and help with the homework.

Digital tools like shared calendars, task management apps and spreadsheets can help you delegate these mental responsibilities.

Sharing the load isn’t always easy to do, especially if you have a particular way of doing things. And you could worry that your partner might forget, thereby continuing to do it all yourself, and getting more resentful and burned out as a result.

But, at the end of the day, the only way to share the load is to allow someone else to carry some of it.

“It might be that you have to sometimes let things go even though it's not been done the way you would have done it,” says Dr Baxter.

When it comes to gender roles at home, Dr Baxter says it’s important we change the conversation and ways of thinking.

While every couple’s relationship is different, a partnership should always involve sharing the load and having an equal say. This is vital for each party’s health and wellbeing.