It’s important to offer your loved ones support, rather than advice.
By Tracy McBeth | Writer
It’s important to offer your loved ones support, rather than advice.
Learn how to be there for your family and friends, even if you don’t know what to say.
6 minute read
Published 11 April 2024
Sometimes, well-intentioned comments can be upsetting.
IVF can be a difficult journey. While you might want to give words of support or encouragement to a friend going through the process, it’s important to say the right thing.
When Alice Almeida went through 5 years of IVF, she came to truly appreciate the power of words.
“‘Just relax’ or ‘stop trying’ were repeat offenders from people who thought they were helping,” she says. “You feel like saying, ‘there's a reason why we're doing IVF, so I can't stop doing IVF, and when I do IVF, how am I supposed to stop trying when I'm injecting myself with hormones?’”
“Even my specialist was telling me I needed to relax, but no one was giving me solutions,” she says. “No one ever said, ‘I strongly encourage you to meditate because it will help you relax’.”
But worse than saying the wrong thing is saying nothing at all.
“I had a few friends who just backed out of my life. They just didn't know what to say, so it was easier for them to say nothing,” says Alice. “This is the worst thing you can do. Losing friends just adds to the loneliness and feeling of isolation.”
“I think the most important question you can ask a friend about to go through IVF is ‘how do you want me to support you?’ Some people are really private and want to be left alone, whereas I wanted to talk about it and to have the support.”
Some of the best things her friends did for her while she was going through the process were extremely simple.
One friend called and said ‘you don’t need to say anything, I’m just going to be on the phone. If you want to talk then talk, but if not, I’m just going to stay here because I want to be there for you’.”
Alice’s sister also turned up one evening with a bottle of champagne.
“She said, ‘you don’t need to talk, you just need to have a glass of champagne and we’re here for you’.”
Nobody expects you to give an inspirational speech. “We don’t want to hear that,” says Alice. “We just want to know that somebody is there for us.”
Alice and her husband Sean welcomed their daughter Maya in 2018. They wanted to give her a sibling, but after several more rounds of unsuccessful IVF, they decided to stop trying. Alice eventually fell pregnant naturally with another daughter, Rana.
While she is incredibly grateful for her girls, years of infertility have taken a huge toll on her.
“I came out of IVF feeling battered and broken,” she says. “My marriage was a little bit rocky too because it shakes everything. It doesn't have to be like that.”
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